I hope I get through the end of this post...

Why hello, blogger!  Yes, I'm still alive and glad to be since I've never been so exhausted in my life for the past two months - and counting.  If you're one of the few who've been following my posts, well... our little angel has finally arrived!  Our baby was already overdue by a little more than a week, and after our final ultrasound, it was found out that she was a whopping 10-pounder baby!  So... after 10 seconds of convincing by our doctor (ha!), little Madi said "hello world" on Maundy Thursday, March 28th, at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.  She came out 9 lbs 10 oz and oh so perfect (why, of course).  Our doctor called her "Pudgy". :-) Yup, I had C-section which I thought was such a blessing for my fearful, low-pain-tolerance self, but it turned out to be even worse during recovery.  I'm so glad I that's all behind me now.  Alleluia!

Our baby is now on her 3rd month.  And now as I type this, she started crying... I guess my post title didn't hold up.

Unicorns, rainbows, and all those cutesy stuff all day long are pure myth.  Having a baby is hard work, but it's also true that it will be worth every sleepless night, headache, breastfeeding scab, and tear (lots of them) once your baby starts smiling and cooing and just being her healthy happy self.  Even the thought of her being all ours already puts a smile to my face every 15 minutes or so... then she cries and my heart beats a little faster.  Great, what does she want now?  I just fed her 15 minutes ago.  Did she get enough breast milk?  Do I have enough breast milk? These are just few questions that run through my tired brain 24X7.  And speaking of breast milk, breast feeding is one big battle altogether.  I almost gave up the first week, especially when Madi lost a lot of weight.  Thank God for friends and family who cheered me on and gave me hope that IT DOES GET BETTER.  And after the third pedia visit, which by the way was always nerve-wracking for me, Madi finally gained back her birth weight -- plus more.  I almost did a happy dance in front of the nurse.

Our world practically revolves around Madi - she always comes first.  Gone are the days we have peaceful uninterrupted meals and spur-of-the moment movie nights.  We don't have schedules now - they're never followed anyway.  I don't shop 'til I drop anymore (hurray for hubby).  Forever 21 was erased from my list of top sites - it was replaced by Zulily (a mother and baby shopping site).  Okay, so I take back what I said about me not shopping!  It's a different kind of high getting cute stuff and deals for my baby.  So it's still fun.

I can go on and on about my experiences being a first time mom, but one thing's for sure... you can never be prepared for it.  I knew it will be hard, but I never thought it would be this HARD.  Coupled with post partum depression and recovering from surgery, I found myself sobbing every day during the first few weeks.  No amount of help and encouragement from my mom or my hubby can stop the emotional toil and physical pain of taking care of a newborn.  Self doubt, exhaustion, and my own innocent little baby were my nemeses.  Yes, my baby.  Having to deal with her limitless and sometimes inexplicable cries is SCARY.  Checking if she's still breathing every few minutes during nap time is still a habit of mine - thanks to my fear  of SIDS.

I am very lucky though that Madi has such a wonderful father.  My dear husband has exceeded all my expectations.  He's hands on, and so much in love with his little girl.  He's better at swaddling and putting her to sleep - I've conceded since day one.  Oh, and Madi looks just like him!  I've conceded as well!  I can just imagine how our daughter would grow up to be a Daddy's girl, and I am totally fine with that. :-) As long as he lets me dress up Madi in whatever way I want!  At least until she's old enough to impose her choice of outfit and accessories... so I got a few years...

I still have so much more to learn and go through in this new phase in my life.  Motherhood brought out the worst, then the best of me.  Just look at that smile - it's all worth it!